Inconceivable
by gallantcorkscrews
Summary: Crack! Slash! Mpreg! Edward and Jasper bond over morning sickness. Emmett and Carlisle as frazzled babydaddies. EsmeRoseAlice are sisters, not lovers. No Bella.


_**SLASH BACKSLASH ONE-SHOT CONTEST**_  
**Story Name: Inconceivable  
Pen name: gallantcorkscrews  
Pairing: Emmett/Edward, Jasper/Carlisle  
Disclaimer: Meyer's characters. I made them gay—but no money was made.  
To see other entries in the "SLASH BACKSLASH" contest, please visit the C2: http://www(dot)fanfiction(dot)net/c2/74941/3/0/1/ **

**Warnings: **Crack! Slash! Mpreg! Complete Idiocy! Don't worry, there's nothing too explicit.

**A/Note:** Caius's elixir manifests all the usual side-effects of pregnancy. I know vampires are made of marble and can't gain weight... but with Caius's cocktail, anything goes. And my vampire babies _do _grow into vampire adults. Err.

* * *

**Part One: The Seduction**

The Volturi had never before set foot on American soil. They heard about what an upstart the country had been during the 18th century, and they declared the land a cesspool full of ungrateful ex-patriots that wasn't worthy of their consideration. Therefore, it came as a great surprise when Carlisle opened his front door to retrieve the Sunday newspaper and found the three leaders of vamp-kind standing awkwardly on his stoop.

"We have some important news that will affect all of vampire kind. Do you mind entertaining us for a few moments?" Aro asked—pretending as if they had a choice in the matter. "It's such a gorgeous day, perhaps if we adjourn to the backyard?"

That was how they wound up crowding around Esme's tulips, listening with mouth agape as the Volturi blew their world apart.

Aro stood at the bird bath as he made his speech, his hands clenched around its edges, leaning against it like a professor at his lectern. Flecks of venom-spittle flew from his mouth as he spoke.

"...and so you see, raising a large vampire army is _vital _to the cause. Humans are _obsessed _with vampires—we're all over the media! It's only a matter of time until they discover us. We'll need to be ready. Truly, this is a last resort. However, I have utmost faith that you boys will be great mothers. I know I can count on you." He banged a fist into the birth bath as he concluded his speech.

He was met with resounding silence.

Jasper whimpered a little.

"So... you want us—" Edward let out a shuddering breath. "—to breed a vampire army, and some of us—some of us _men_—have to... bear the children?"

The Volturi nodded eagerly.

"And why can't the women do that?"

Aro waved a hand, clearly thinking the answer was self-evident. The other two Volturi snickered behind him.

"Our bodies are, for want of a better word, rotten inside. It doesn't matter if you were born with a womb, because none of our God-given organs are of any use, anyway," Aro explained. "The elixir you will be given is going to grow the necessary organs from scratch. With this elixir, it doesn't matter which sex you are—you will be able to give birth."

"Aren't we supposed to strike fear into the hearts of men?" Emmett frowned. "How can vampires be terrifying if the dudes have pregnancy bumps?"

_That _gave the Volturi a start. They turned to each other with anxious faces and conferred quietly. For the first time, they seemed less than confident about their plan. After all, vampires took pride in being horrifying.

Aro faced the Olympic Coven. "We are..." He winced and took a steadying breath. "Prepared to accept that." At Emmett's withering glare, Aro continued, "Come, come. Neither you—" He gestured toward Emmett. "Nor you—" He pointed to Carlisle. "Will bear the children. This is a new frontier of science, and we may be a little ignorant on some matters. However, give us _a little _credit. We know that neither of you are bottoms."

Carlisle and Emmett seemed mollified. Jasper and Edward shared a look of affronted dignity.

"Speak for yourself!" Caius barked. "I am not 'a little ignorant' on anything. I was breeding werewolves before Mendel learned the word _pea_."

"Yes, yes, Caius. You are ever the great scientist—"

"—all these modern geneticists aren't fit to lick my boots. And don't even get me started on that Isaac Newton character. Two of three laws of motion were _mine_—"

Aro almost facepalmed. "Please, Caius—not the Newton tirade...."

Suddenly, Jasper hummed with empath power, trying to impart feelings of _humility _and _reticence_.

Caius quieted down.

"So, gentlemen, do you all understand what is expected of you?" Aro asked.

Again, silence.

"_We _get it!" cried a clear, pixie-like voice. "Soon we're going to have babies to play with!"

The men abruptly remembered their female audience.

The women were cloistered away from the proceedings, gathered on a patio that overlooked the spectacle below. Rose, Esme, and Alice stood along the railing doing their nails. About thirteen different bottles of Lancôme nail polish were assembled along the banister. Whenever they got bored with eavesdropping, they debated the pros and cons of "Untamed Plum" or "Platinum Pearl."

Rose waved at them. "Having fun going gay?"

"Ugh, who invited them?" Edward muttered.

All the Cullen men scowled. They didn't want the women to witness their shame.

"Well, then." Aro clapped his hands. "We were just about to announce the pairings—"

"—I know the pairings!" Alice squealed. "I can tell them!"

"—before we were so rudely interrupted." Aro favored Alice with a frown. Shaking his head, he turned his attention back to the men. "Emmett and Edward, congratulations. You are a couple. Jasper and Carlisle is the other couple. I wish all of you good luck and strong genes. We, of course, will remain here to monitor the progress. Caius will help with the pregnancies. If you are interested to know more, Caius has extensive notes—"

A throat cleared.

"Gentlemen, shouldn't we commence with this little adventure? I have all the time in the world, and _still _I will not waste another moment of it listening to this idiotic blathering," Marcus said. He was thoroughly bored with all this debating and wanted to return to his normal state of apathy and ennui.

"Oh—quite right." Caius smoothed a wrinkle in his cape. "Your elixirs are in the fridge, Cullens. Go drink up, and then, to the bedrooms!"

The men walked away, stony-faced with the grudging gaits of the condemned. Esme turned to her two friends. "I still don't understand it. Why do the men have to bear the offspring? Why can't _we _just take the elixirs...?"

The Volturi were notoriously chauvinistic, and Esme wouldn't be surprised if they considered women too incompetent to even bear children. _Still_, this seemed downright strange!

The other two women weren't paying attention to her. They were discussing which pair would have the prettier baby.

Esme sighed. Maybe she could go... knit something. Like baby booties. Yes, they would need baby booties, and very soon.

----------------------------------

Emmett closed the bedroom door behind him. The "snick" of the door lock thundered in his ears. He stared at the door moldings and imagined he was somewhere else.

Maybe he should break the ice a little. Conversation was good. They could pretend they were just hanging out—and not building up to uncomfortable sex. Besides, if they were talking, he could stall for time while he figured out how to... begin...

"Begin by lubricating your fingers. Then prepare me. The sooner we begin, the sooner we'll be done, and in the midst of your artless humping, do be a gentleman and look for my prostate," came the brusque reply.

Emmett turned and gawked at what he found.

Edward was on the bed, naked and crouched in the down doggy position.

His ass propped up and presented to Emmett.

"Wha...?" Emmett rubbed his temples.

Suddenly Edward's arm whipped out, vampire-fast, and grabbed something on the nightstand. Before Emmett computed what he was seeing, a bottle of KY hit him in the head.

"Stop standing there stupidly and hurry this along—and _please_, try not to moan too much. God knows Rose and Alice are outside with their ears pressed to the door."

On cue, Emmett heard giggles and frantic shushing in the hallway.

"Uh..."

"And if you dare kiss me, I will bite your tongue off. Clean. Off. "

Emmett's eyes bulged wider. He thought of Victorian ladies who swooned when they became too excited.

Emmett really felt like swooning right now. He tried to rile up his spirits and told himself this wasn't as impossible as it seemed. He could always bonk with his eyes closed, imagining Edward was a girl.

The only image he successfully conjured was an Edward with breasts and a thong. Disturbing, yet somehow his penis misinterpreted his nausea as arousal and got hard.

"_Stop picturing me like that_," Edward snapped. "As if I would wear a thong—and why don't I hear a belt being unbuckled?"

--—Three minutes later---

"Oh! Oh golly, Emmett! Harder, yeah, move just like that—NO! NO! STOP! For Christ's sake, you have the finesse of a blind rhinoceros—"

The diatribe continued for another minute and then petered out into whimpers.

Rose removed her ear from the door. "Wow, who would have thought that he was such a power bottom?"

Alice tapped her temple. "I foresaw it all."

"Is that why you've been giggling every time you saw Edward for the past month?"

"Uh huh—and don't even get me started on Jasper..."

A voice rose from a bedroom at the end of the hall. _"Jasper—stop affecting me with emotions of disgust and inadequacy. No matter what, I am going to impregnate you. Now buck up, cowboy." _

------------------

"YES! TAKE THAT ISSAAC NEWTON!" Caius thrust his fist in the air. "You created physics—_I _knocked up a male vampire!"

Carlisle stood with arms crossed shaking his head. "Technically, _I _knocked up the vampire..."

"Do I get no credit in this? I'm carrying the durned thing," Jasper huffed.

Esme stroked his arm. "Let the men swagger. They're all just hot air."

Jasper pouted.

Emmett and Edward were in the bedroom listening as the coven celebrated the conception.

Caius and Aro had locked them in there. They were naked and without access to clothes. For at least two hours a day they would be locked in a bedroom together until they conceived. If they tried to escape, Caius would send for Jane, and _she _would then take the elixir. Emmett and Edward would then engage in relations with her until she was with child.

Truly, a fate worse than death.

So for now, the two were stuck together and very naked. Emmet was hunched next to the headboard, his arms wrapped protectively around his torso. Every few moments he would spontaneously shiver, as though feeling a cold draft. Edward was seated primly at the bottom of the bed, his hands folded over his nest of pubic curls.

"So...I guess we should have sex..." Emmett began. He crossed his legs, unsubtly hiding his penis between his thighs.

He didn't want to do this _at all_. A hole was a hole as far as sex went, but his ego was too battered from the last time he'd bedded Edward. Edward was pushy in the sheets and acerbic in his commentary. After their last session, it was all Emmett could do to not curl up in the bottom of the shower and do the not-really—crying vampire cry thing.

And of course, Edward could read those thoughts. He saw everything that Emmett was feeling.

Edward sighed.

Apparently, he better screw _tenderly _this time around, or the bigger man might start sniveling at him.

"Emmett... I need to admit something. I..." Edward sighed again, rolling his eyes toward the ceiling. "I think I might have enjoyed myself last time..."

Emmett brightened.

"...and I thought you were decent," Edward grudgingly finished.

Emmett dropped his knees. Revealing an erection. A dopey smile plastered his face.

"Excellent..." Edward said, and then he slinked toward his lover.

* * *

**Part Two: The Pregnancy **

---Week 3---

"So, you're pregnant," Emmett said.

Edward stared at the pregnancy test. He had pissed—or envenomated, in his case—on it eleven minutes ago, and now a clear pink plus sign illuminated the screen.

"I .... am indeed pregnant." Edward dropped his head in his hands.

Suddenly, Caius's jubilant whoop of, _"TAKE THAT NEWTON!" _sounded from deep within the house.

"So... do you... want me to stick around..." Emmett bit his lip.

They were sitting naked on the bed as though they were about to have sex. It had gotten routine. At eleven PM, the two males went hunting for their pre-sex snack. At eleven seventeen PM, they settled into the bedroom for another rousing session of _Get Edward up the Duff. _

Well, mission accomplished.

Emmett halfheartedly thought someone should be patting his back right now. He wondered what he should do. He could just walk away—he no longer had the threat of Jane's sex organs hanging over his head. Still, he felt like he should... offer something to Edward. What that something was, he didn't know. Should he pat Edward on the back?

"Oh. No. You can go," Edward mumbled.

He blankly stared at his Emmett's penis.

It had a scar swirling around it like the stripe on a candy cane.

Emmett told him the story behind the scar a couple of weeks ago as they lounged in each other's arms. When he was eight, his brother had convinced him that the McCarty's goat was possessed. Terrified, Emmett doused the goat shed with gasoline, hoping he could exorcize it through cleansing fire. The frightened goat charged him and knocked the gas can out his hands, splashing gas on his thighs, and match was already lit—

_"I'm glad to see it's still working," _Edward had said, trailing his fingers over the half-hard length.

"_Pssh, come devils and hellfire, nothing can get this sucker down_." Emmett grabbed his cock and squeezed it so the head bloomed from his meaty fist like dough rising in a muffin tray.

...and now, Emmett was shuffling out the door.

The situation was surreal on so many levels.

They exchanged one last, long look.

"Tell me if the baby kicks. I would like to feel that," Emmett said. Then he stepped left.

One sentence and it made Edward simultaneously feel _very _hot and so utterly cold.

---Week 9---

The front door slammed. Esme looked up from knitting booties. It was 3 pm; the kids were home from school!

"—I'm telling you, Edward, you wouldn't look good with red eyes," Rose said as she walked inside.

"Who said I was going to _eat _him?" Edward snarled. "I'm going to rip his heart out, snap every joint, and shove my foot so far up his bottom he'll taste toe fungus in his throat!"

He charged into the living room and threw his book bag on the couch.

It hit Esme. She screamed as forty pounds of text books connected with her head.

"What's going on?" Caius emerged from the shadows.

He wore his 'medical' robes—the standard, sweeping vampire garb, only bleached bright white. A Red Cross logo adorned his front pocket, and a (entirely useless) stethoscope was wrapped around his neck. He wore a doctor head mirror on his head.

Emmet jabbed a thumb in Edward's direction. "He's mad. At Newton."

"I am not mad at Newton! I am INCENSED! That—that—_homo sapien_—"

Catching a whiff of moose, Emmett wandered out the back door for a snack. He couldn't handle Edward when he was throwing his tantrums. He was so pathetic and earnest in his snits, and it made Emmett simultaneously want to choke him and hug him.

"—thought I was gaining weight!" Edward growled.

"But, Edward, he only thought it. It's not like he said anything..."

Caius tilted his head. "This... Mike Newton fellow... he wouldn't, perchance, be related to Sir Isaac?"

"Indubitably," Edward lied, his eyes glittering maliciously.

Caius's face twisted with disgust. The two fell into conversation over their mutual hate for all things Newton.

Alice shook her head. "I foresee being on the planning committee for Mike's school memorial. I better call the caterer..."

"Is Caius really going to eat him?" Rose asked.

Alice shrugged. "It's for the best. The student body will be so busy discussing his death that they won't notice two ridiculously-good-looking boys waddling around with pregnant bellies."

Rose nodded.

Not even Alice knew that Mike was already dead. His body lay in a dumpster behind the school gym.

Emmett had confronted Mike after Edward became upset, and he had gotten a little... carried away.

---Week 11---

One night Emmett and Edward found themselves with the house to themselves. The women had gone to Port Angeles for a night of clubbing; the Volturi went to Seattle to scoff at art. Carlisle was at a medical conference in Olympia, and Jasper, tired of everybody, had rented a cabin and was in seclusion.

Emmett had known that his family members were all planning trips for this night, and he looked forward to having some time to talk privately with Edward. Things had been awkward between them since they discovered Edward was pregnant. He thought things would revert to normal, but apparently, having your prick up someone's bum led to complications.

He procrastinated most of the night, preferring to read _What to Expect When You're Expecting _over having an embarrassing conversation with the prickly bearer of his child. Eventually, he started to feel ashamed of himself. _You were man enough to knock him up—now man up and talk to him about_, he told himself.

He roamed around the house, aimlessly poking his head in rooms, but he couldn't find Edward. He knew he was here—he could hear him moving around. Too bad Emmett was crap at locating things through sound. _Echo location my foot_, he thought.

Then he smelling something powerful emanating from the basement

He rushed down the stairs, yelling, "Edward? Are you okay?"

He kicked open the door to the basement bathroom. It bounced off Edward's behind.

Kneeling over the toilet, Edward looked up and yelled, _"_What the shit man?"

Emmett cringed at the inept attempt at cursing. "I was... uh, worried?"

Edward scowled and lowered his head over the bowl. Suddenly he seized as a wave of sickness overcame him, and he started puking anew.

"I'm a little nauseous, you see," Edward mumbled. Briefly Edward contemplated resting his cheek against the porcelain seat. Then he swore at himself for even considering such a disgusting thing.

If the whole puking business wasn't so damn disgusting, Edward would have been amazed by his sickness. Someone could hit him with a Mac truck right then, and he would walk away with little more than a head ache. He was a vampire; he was nearly indestructible, and he rarely felt pain. But _illness_. He had not felt that in almost a century, and it _hurt _like the devil.

Emmett took in the little-used bathroom. The walls were a dab shade of tapioca. A green fungus furred the moldings. It smelled like a dank cave. "Why are you doing this down here?" he asked. He thought of the nicer, larger bathroom upstairs. Scented candles and bath salts lined the shelves of their walls. Hell, two of them had plasma televisions mounted over the Jacuzzi bath tubs.

"I don't want to flood the house with the smells and sounds of my affliction. Usually, I go outside and take care of this... but a herd of deer just moved past, and the smell of food would make me even more nauseous."

"You... why would you do that?" Emmett scratched his head. "Especially tonight. No one else is home."

Edward glowered back at him. "Please. Being a pregnant man is repulsive enough. I don't want to disgust people more than I have to."

"Not even me?"

"Certainly not you."

That gave Emmett pause.

It also, perversely enough, gave him hope.

Slowly he stepped toward Edward, approaching as though he was a crazed dog. Edward glared at him, but the effect was undermined by the toilet lid under his head and the quiver in his chin.

"We're like animated corpses," Emmett murmured, running a finger gently—timidly, not trying to presume too much—over the curve of his shoulder and up the nape of neck. He ran his fingers through the downy soft hair there. "We're like zombies, and you think I'm grossed out 'cause something can actually _grow _inside of us? It's... cool. Amazing, maybe"

Edward felt his insides twist, and this time it wasn't the roiling nausea.

Emmett pressed a damp washcloth to the back of his neck and Edward sighed gratefully.

_This is my chance, _Emmett told himself, and he steeled himself for what he was about to say. The strongest vampire on Earth, scared of a pregnant teenage incubus.

"So, uh, if you ever want to, uh, hang out in my bedroom again..." Emmett could feel himself gagging on the words. _He was being so cheesy, _but he had to persevere. "I would, uh, like the hanging out in the bedroom naked thing. Or not naked—if you don't—fuck! I suck at this."

Edward held up a finger, motioning for Emmett to wait a minute, and then puked one final time.

After a few dry heaves, he was ready to respond. "I think that would be... cool. Amazing, maybe." He turned a shaky grin to him.

They sat on the bathroom floor for several minutes, smiling at each other in silence.

"I mean, it ain't _that _weird," Emmett finally said. "Like, sometimes I think of you like a seahorse, carrying the babies..."

He received a resounding smack that would have fractured mortal cranium.

---Week 13---

Edward was stooped in the runner's crouch, eyes intent on the shadowy line of forest before him.

_One...two... three_...

He launched forward, springing into a sprint, ready to savor the feeling of near-flying, the wind in his hair, the—

Hand that grabbed his collar and yanked him back.

Edward whirled around and found Carlisle chuckling behind him.

"You can't run faster than fifteen miles per hour while you're pregnant. You'll have to keep to human speed during your final trimester," Carlisle said. "The g-forces could do severe harm to the child."

"Really? Caius never mentioned that." Edward closed his hands protectively over his stomach.

Carlisle cringed at the mention of the elder vampire. "While he's a brilliant experimenter, Caius is not very good with the practical details. I had to explain to him that Jasper's swelling feet weren't a toxic side effect of the elixir."

Upon remembering his feet, Edward was suddenly glad that Carlisle had foiled his run. His feet were swollen enough. And though enthusiastic, Emmett wasn't the most skillful foot masseur around. Edward suspected that had he been a human, he would have a couple broken metatarsals.

"I wanted to talk to you about something..." Carlisle began. Then he wrinkled his nose like he caught a funny smell, glanced at Edward, and quickly diverted his gaze to a near-by tree.

Edward became alarmed, not used to seeing Carlisle so awkward. "What? What is it? Is something wrong?"

Carlisle kicked a pine comb, looking like an uncertain twenty three year-old and not the all-knowing immortal leader of the Olympic Coven. "Are you—uh—" He rolled his eyes at his own inarticulateness. Then he mumbled in one great rush, "—You-and-Emmett-are-still-having-an-affair—correct?"

Edward blinked. Rubbed his nose. Then blinked again. "Did you really just ask that?"

He wasn't mad or surprised at the question. It had been a long time coming. Only Alice and Rose knew—neither he nor Emmett had told the girls, yet the busybodies made it a point to know everything—but he expected that the rest of the coven would catch on. It was just startling to see Carlisle so unnerved by the subject of sex. The ER doctor removed gerbils from perverts' anuses at least twice a year.

Edward straightened his shoulders. "Of course we are. I hope the family can accept that."

He crossed his arms around his mid-section pointedly and fixed Carlisle with an icy stare.

Quite unexpectedly, a huge grin lit up Carlisle's face. He laughed, and all the tension drained from his body. "Thank goodness! I was worried what you all would think of Jasper and me."

Edward's jaw dropped. "Jesus. You two... are still together?"

"Yes."

Edward tried to picture what Carlisle and Jasper saw in each other.

Maybe Carlisle was drawn by the ravenous-wannabe-meat-eater dark side of Jasper? And Jasper was soothed by Carlisle's understanding nature?

Maybe.

Or maybe they were both narcissistic and dug being blond together.

Edward wondered if his telepath powers were wearing off. He should have known about this a long time ago. He had been a bit absent-minded lately, but this was a whole new level of thoughtlessness. Maybe his third eye was located in his stomach, and the child was blocking the signal...

"I'm surprised you haven't noticed all the, ahem, lusty vibrations circulating throughout the house," Carlisle said shyly.

Edward's hand drifted to his rear, which still ached from last night. "Now that you mention it..."

Carlisle affectionately wrapped an arm around his shoulders. "Seems like there are so many changes happening right now. It's hard to keep up."

The moment was spoiled when by a loud growl. A jealous vampire was snarling within the Cullen manor.

Carlisle sighed. "Do you think that's Emmett or Jasper in there?"

Edward tried to scan the house with telepathy. He found both Jasper and Emmett inside, and neither of their minds sounded happy with what they viewed through the windows.

"We better get in there before they start plotting our revenge..." he said, slowly removing Carlisle's arm from his shoulder. Jasper was a good fighter, and he had a child to think about now.

---Week 23---

Edward and Jasper were seated on the sofa, their sore feet immersed in foot spas, watching an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant." The undereducated white woman on television was explaining how she mistook labor pains for appendicitis.

Edward scowled down at his rotund stomach. "I wish you were a case of appendicitis."

The baby kicked. He patted his stomach in a conciliatory gesture. "You know I don't think that all the time," he murmured.

"Stop talking to the child. He can't hear you," Jasper snapped.

He flicked a page of his magazine and considered an ad for stretch mark creams. Caius didn't know what long-term effects the pregnancy would have on their bodies. For all they knew, they could retain their stretch marks. The thought made Jasper scowl.

Edward rolled the eyes at the vampire. "Do something useful, and get the men in here. Be sure you overpower the men with feelings of _helpfulness _and _sensitivity—_I'm having a craving for caiman..."

"—now you know better than to drink reptile blood. It's horrible for your complexion and makes you lose your hair. The last vampire that ate from alligators was _Nosferatu_—"

"—they'll have to run up to the zoo in Vancouver to find one—"

"They won't like breaking into a zoo again. They almost got caught getting your snow leopards in Seattle."

"That's why they're going to Vancouver this time, and I know for a fact they have _flamingoes _there." Edward knew he had said the magic word. Jasper had been craving long-legged fowl for days.

Jasper set his magazine down and raised an eyebrow at his gravid cohort.

Suddenly, Emmett and Carlisle charged into the room, skidding on the rug in their haste.

"I suddenly have the urge to be extremely accommodating," Emmett blurted. He cast a suspicious glance at Jasper, but his glare softened when it fell on Edward. "Is there anything _at all _that you need?"

"Well, actually..."

"Jasper, you are a tyrant with your empath powers." Carlisle was shaking his head in amusement. Not a day went by without Carlisle randomly feeling the urge to do something for Jasper

The blond flapped a hand at him. "Isn't your power _compassion_? Have pity on us. We need flamingoes and crocodiles—"

"—_caiman_!"

"—right now. Your spawns demand it. Off with you!"

Carlisle scrunched up his face in exasperation. "You know, I never thought of it before, but why did I get stuck with the power-to-be-pussy-whipped?"

"Are you calling me pussy?!" Jasper squawked.

Carlisle and Emmett exchanged a glance, and they wisely ran before a fight could ensue. "We'll be back tonight with your zoo life!" they shouted over their shoulders.

---Week 36---

Emmett and Edward laid in their bed, listening to the cries of Jasper and Carlisle's new son, Robert E. Lee Whitlock Cullen.

No one had exactly thought through the ramifications of having a newborn-newborn vampire in the house. The main problem was that the baby didn't sleep. He squalled all day and night. He was cranky and bit constantly. It was a good thing Jasper was already covered in bite scars, for one hardly noticed the new ones. Carlisle, however, now looked so battle-scarred that he too could have been taken for a soldier in the southern wars.

Currently, the household was engaged in a debate over Robert's diet.

"—_Caius, if you would provide the medical research, then I will gladly feed Robert human blood_," Carlisle was saying. _"As it stands, I think you are just trying to push your anti-vegetarian agenda._"

"_A newborn's body is too fragile to process filthy animal blood. He's very delicate right now-_" As he said this, Edward could hear wood splintering between powerful jaws. Robert was gnawing on his crib again. If he kept it up, they would have to buy him a steel one. Maybe a cage. "—_and he needs the best quality blood possible. Virgin blood, preferably from an athlete. Not that I expect so much. This is America, the land of obese degenerates_—_" _

_"Excuse me, but aren't you from Europe?" _Rose interjected_. "The land that invented the _ménage à trois_ and pederasty?" _

On and on the argument raged. Every now and then Aro would interrupt, proclaiming, _"The child is a future soldier for the Volturi. We dictate what he eats!" _

It left Edward shaken.

"Emmett, I'm worried. I certainly didn't want this child when the Volturi first approached us, but now..."

"We've grown to love him." Emmett turned his head, his lips brushing against Edward's ear. They were cocooned in blankets, Emmett pressed against Edward's back. Their legs wove around each other's like twisting ivy. Their toes lazily curled together.

"I don't want our child to be forced into a soldier's life."

Emmett nodded.

After their cuddle session, Edward slinked off to his record player and put on his headphones, zoning out to the relaxing melodies of Duke Ellington. He didn't hear when Emmett left the room and sought Aro. He didn't hear the blood curdling screams, the squirting guts, the agonizing moans or the death rattles.

Nothing of the sort.

Hours later when Edward awoke from his jazz-induced stupor, he discovered his family celebrating the demise of Aro.

Emmett had strangled him with Caius's stethoscope. And Alice couldn't stop singing, _"_Ding Dong! The Bitch Is Dead!"

Unbelievably, Caius was ecstatic about his partner's demise.

"I always thought his army idea was hogwash," he explained. "But I went along with it because I wanted to experiment on you. Besides, he was a prick. Brought the organization down." He shrugged elegantly.

For his part, Caius was too disaffected to weigh in on the subject.

Peace reigned across the Cullen land.

* * *

**Part Three: The Spawn **

Edward was lounging about the library, reading _Miss Manners Guide to Excruciatingly Correct Behavior_, when he felt the first cramps of labor.

He rested a hand over his swollen belly, smiling to himself. The cramps were... uncomfortable, but he was a vampire. He'd suffered three days of blinding agony after Carlisle changed him. He didn't fear labor. If anything, he was looking forward to it. Having a little bit of labor would be a novel experience. Being center stage of such an event appealed to his inner sense of adventure (and to his sense of vanity—he did like being the center of attention).

He rested _Miss Manners _on the table stand, marking his place so he could return to it later tonight, and smiled. This should be interesting.

---Five hours later---

Jasper adjusted the lamps in the delivery room. He wanted the lighting to be _perfect _and reveal every gruesome detail of the scene. He had finally broken out his Panasonic camera, and _boy_, was this going to be a cinematic event!

"If I ever see that scrawny penis of yours again, I will tear it off and strangle you with it! I'll bury you next to Aro!" Edward roared. He reached to the nightstand and grabbed a vase, and then he smashed it on the wall over his head. Shards of pottery rained over his body and the bed.

Jasper zoomed the lens in as Edward brandished the broken end at Emmett and his perilous penis.

Emmett would have been by his bed like a dutiful mate—but Edward had just broken his arm in three places. He was currently constructing a make-shift splint out of duct tape and two halves of a back scratcher. It would heal quicker if it was aligned properly, and he knew he needed all his limbs in working order once the baby arrived.

Caius observed from the foot of the bed. He hummed thoughtfully and made a note on his clipboard. "Still don't think it's time to take the baby out."

"And you! Mr. High-and-Mighty-Volturi! I will massacre all of you! I will raze Volterra to the ground and pistol whip any person who ever said a friendly word about you! I will call Ryan Seacrest so he can be reporting live. Headline: _Glittery Old Farts Torn Limb-from-Limb by Pregnant Avenger_!"

Caius laid the clipboard aside and put on surgical gloves.

"Mr. McCarty," he said. "I believe you can bite open his womb now."

Emmett leapt to his feet, a gleeful glint in his eyes. Jasper cackled in anticipation and pointed the camera at Edward's belly.

---An hour later---

After a long, gory birth, the child was finally delivered. Edward's stomach was healing, and father and son were united.

Edward cradled the child to his chest, staring down at his son with a look of pure adoration. Emmett stood next to the bed, feeling completely at peace with the world. The rest of the coven was gathered at the end of the room, eager to see the newest addition to the family but wanting to give the couple some space.

Except for Jasper, who held the camera inches from the baby's face and was muttering, "He'd be a lot more photogenic if someone took that gunk off him."

The baby was eyeing Edward's nose like he wanted to bite it off. Edward was already missing a portion of his ear. Edward was too tired to heal his ear back on, and the piece of lobe sat on night stand next to the broken lamp.

"Fourteen pounds..." As Emmett said this, he appeared to be an odd mixture of proud and horrified. "That's a.... big baby."

Edward cut him a hassled look, as if to say, _you think? _

"Well, it is a vampire baby, and vampires are a bit denser... being marble-like and all," Carlisle said, but he cast the newborn a dubious glance.

Rose peered at the child in Edward's arms. "Aww.... look at the little miracle—"

The babe sneezed in her face. Great globs of venom mucus clung to her cheeks.

"And here I thought it wasn't possible to love him anymore..." Edward crooned. He planted a kiss on the infant's forehead, and then jerked his head away before the baby bit his lip off.

"Huh... you know, I've always been sorta obsessed with babies. But between this one and ..." Suddenly, a great crash sounded in Robert's nursery. Carlisle muttered something scathing yet G-rated and bustled off in his son's direction. "I think I'm officially demystified with children."

"So what are you going to name him!" Alice gushed.

_As if she didn't already know. _

The rest of the family perked up at this. The fights between Emmett and Edward over naming had been fierce. For the past seven months they had debated, and most of the conversations usually devolved into insults and venom spitting, wherein Carlisle would then have to mediate before someone got lit on fire.

Edward wanted to name him Johann or Ludwig. Emmett thought those names were too poncy for a vampire. He held out for Hogan. Or Andre. Maybe Stone Cold Steve... Cullen. When Emmett had given his suggestions, Edward glimpsed his thoughts and saw images of burly white trash dressed in spandex. He had been appalled.

"I think I will name her after the people who helped me most during this pregnancy...."

Emmett preened.

Edward looked to his family—_away _from Emmett. "Carlisle, Jasper... meet your nephew. Carsper."

Alice and Rosalie were appalled. When the child was old enough for high school, they would have to hang out with a person named Carsper.

How mortifying.

"Just so you know, we're not renaming our baby after you and Emmett," Jasper said.

Emmett was stunned by the revelation. He shook his head, trying to clear it of mindfuck.

His next words he chose carefully. "Alrighty then."

Edward telepathically sensed his partner's astonishment and kicked himself. Should he have named his son Emmett?

He had thought of naming the child that... but he felt uncomfortable with the gesture. What if Emmett read too much into it? Though it was highly unlikely that Emmett read too much into anything besides instruction manuals for fitness equipment. But still. What if he _realized _how much he meant to Edward?

Edward didn't want to reveal how besotted he was with the big oaf.

Rolling his eyes at himself, Edward hugged his son closer to his chest and concluded that he was a major ham. He was so glad no one could read his mind.

---Five Days Later---

The family adjusted well to the new additions, all things considered.

Carsper was now safely tucked in the nursery with Robert E. Lee. Or not so safely, judging by the crashing sounds.

They were taking the childrearing in shifts. Raising mythical children had to be approached as a military operation, and two people were stationed in the nursery at all times. Carlisle and Caius were currently on daddy duty.

Emmett had just left his son. He had spent three hours wrestling with the tot. The young terror put him in a headlock twice. The memory made him puff up with pride.

Most of the family was gathered in the living room. They were watching the birth on TV while Jasper commented on his artful cinematography.

Emmett shook his head. "You know, I appreciate you recording it and all—but why is Carlisle in every other frame? This was a _birth_. About the _baby._"

Jasper sneered at him. "Your baby is in plenty of the shots. Stop being paranoid."

"The video was edited to Motely Crue's _Dr. Feel Good_," Rose said. "I think we all know who's the star."

"I couldn't help it. The camera loved him." Jasper shrugged.

Emmett shook his head at his deranged family and proceeded toward the bedroom. His lover was waiting for him—he could hear a Jacuzzi bath being drawn that moment. And golly, Edward looked _good _these days. His body healed completely after pregnancy, leaving no stretch marks or scars. The fat was reabsorbed into the venom. He was restored to the nubile underwear model that he had been before the Volturi first entered their house and upended their world. Only now, Emmett was in a place to really appreciate it.

By George, he loved being a vampire.

---The End---


End file.
